Seven Therapeutic Piñatas for Grown Ups

pitching wedge 3All kids’ birthday parties have piñatas these days. Sometimes kids are so little they can’t even bust them open, so adults have to give them a hand. Or a bat. Usually a bat.

I’ve watched this play out, and I believe adults enjoy it more than kids. For kids, it’s all about the candy. For adults, it’s all about channeling aggression.

This gave me the idea that there should be a line of adult piñatas on the market. And I’m not talking about the kind that you’d find at a bachelor or bachelorette party. I’m talking about therapeutic piñatas for grown ups, filled with practical contents.

If my vision comes true, here is a sample of what you’ll find in Walmart’s ‘Therapeutic Piñata’ department.

Tumor: Can you imagine how rewarding it would be to literally beat the crap out of your colon cancer? You could fight to the finish with courage, screaming battle cries like, “I AM A SURVIVOR!”

Contents: Kale

Image of ex: Maybe your relationship ended amicably, and if so, congratulations. If your relationship ended on a tart note, this piñata made in the image of your ex’s head will be just the thing to help release your bitterness.

Contents: Jawbreakers

Giant bottle of Allen’s Coffee Brandy: Are you are ready to assault the addiction passed down to you from one Maine generation to another? In your delirium, I’m sure you can crack this open. Give it a convulsive shot, because it will be worth it.

Contents: Valium

Rotisserie Chicken: You have chipped away at this indestructible package, addressing it with every club in the golf bag. A couple of whacks with a pitching wedge, and you will spew out the satisfying contents of this cagey little beast in no time.

Contents: Gravy

Computer: Do you know how much pent-up rage exists due to these technological sensations? You’ll find out when you get to crash this CPU. Constructed from tougher materials, you can bash on it for several hours days.

Contents: Data from 2003

Kale: You’ve eaten kale prepared 50 different ways, and have beaten cancer. (See above). It is now time to kick kale to the compost pile, because even though you’ve added years to your life, you aren’t sure they’re worth living. Use a carving knife to stab this green monster in its veiny heart.

Contents: Bacon

I’m sure your brain cells are doing calisthenics, dreaming up more innovative designs. Speaking of exercise, I bet I could have an extreme workout thrashing a paper mache replica of a treadmill.

Contents: Recliner

What therapeutic piñata would you like to pummel? Do you like kale? Have you beaten cancer? Have you ever walloped a real computer? Would you like to?

Molly Stevens

About Molly Stevens

Molly Stevens arrived late to the writing desk but is forever grateful her second act took this direction instead of adult tricycle racing or hoarding cats. She was raised on a potato farm in northern Maine, where she wore a snowsuit over both her Halloween costume and her Easter dress.