Recipe for No Curse Dessert

I struggled when I tried to make Lemon Meringue pies for the church pie sale, and my litany of profanity made them more colorful than confetti cakes. Since then I have abandoned baking anything that requires a culinary arts degree. And during the upcoming holiday season I wanted to share this quick and easy dessert with my busy readers,

My love affair with cake prompted me to create this recipe that excludes offensive ingredients, like curses and frustration. So here is my version of Pineapple Upside Down Cake that I’ve named ‘No Curse Dessert.’

No Curse Dessert

This will be an entry for the next church cookbook

  • Serves: 1-8 depending on how desperate you are for cake
  • Prep time: 47 seconds
  • Total time: 30 minutes
  • Cook time: 0 minutes – Yippee!

Ingredients:

  • 1 angel food cake
  • 1 can of pineapple rings
  • 1 jar of maraschino cherries
  • 1 can of whipped cream

Instructions:

  1. Open plastic lid from angel food cake. This is time consuming, since the lid is securely fastened welded. If you have toddlers around, you could have them open it. If not, go to Plan B.

    Opening cake

    I keep this handy tool in the utensil drawer

  2. Carefully remove plastic lid, as there is risk of cuts from its razor-sharp edges. I did pretty well and only needed one Band-Aid.

    cut with blood

    Cherry juice will cover up these stains

  3. Open can of pineapple. Notice I sprung for Dole, which costs $0.39 more than the store brand, and has a convenient pop-top for opening. Trust me when I tell you NOT TO USE THE POP-TOP, unless you relish an emergency room visit for repair of a laceration. (Note: add 7 hours to total prep time if you choose to use the pop-top)

    pineapple can

    I learned the hard way to use a can opener

  4. Extricate a jar of maraschino cherries that you have had in the back of your refrigerator since 2003.

    cherries

    I found sour cream that expired in 2013. Wonder if it’s still good….

  5. Place a ring of pineapple and a cherry on a cute dessert plate, because something this elegant deserves your best Chinet.

    pineapple in plate

    Every day is Christmas with a dessert like this!

  6. Place generous piece of angel cake on top of the fruit.

    Cake layers

    It is important to assemble the layers in the correct order

  7. Open canister of REAL whipped cream. (Note: DO NOT SUBSTITUTE. Would you really want to use ‘whipped topping’ on your genuine Dole pineapple?)

    open whipped cream

    It’s not brain surgery but it’s close

  8. Take a hit of nitrous oxide, because you are tense after step 7.

    Laughing with whipped cream

    Pft…Pt..Pt..SH..FFFFFFFFFFFFFF……SSSSS

  9. Smother your layered masterpiece with delicious REAL whipped cream. Molly with No Curse Dessert
    Do you have a recipe for a ‘No Curse Dessert’ you can share? Do you like angel cake? Does it make you feel angelic when you eat it? Do you know how to get whipped cream out of your nose? Do you use aprons when you ‘cook?’ Do you think I should repair the pocket of my apron, or do you like the well-worn look? When I’m finished eating cake I promise to respond to all your answers and comments.
Molly Stevens

About Molly Stevens

Molly Stevens arrived late to the writing desk but is forever grateful her second act took this direction instead of adult tricycle racing or hoarding cats. She was raised on a potato farm in northern Maine, where she wore a snowsuit over both her Halloween costume and her Easter dress.